What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 00:59
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why do older people have a hard time using technology?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I said to her
Who is the most trusted person in your life, and do they have the same trust on you?
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I waited trembling.
How did you respond to, "Why do you love me"?
I was very sick at this time too.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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And i lived it daily.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why are Capri cigarettes so expensive?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why would my nipples hurt when I touch them?
I have no regrets .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I think the readers, may guess!
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It was going to be , some day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Who then, do I blame.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
All the time i was locked up.
I write beautiful poetry .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I will be 64.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were not on the streets..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot live in the past .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Comes on , in middle age.
She married twice! .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My family never makes their pension either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So, i spoilt her more .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was seconnd youngest,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What did i know ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He knew the spot.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was 9 years of age.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My life is so biszare .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She found it foreign!.
I don,t even have a pension.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Put me off passion for life!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Would this be the day?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She wouldn,t have been !
But it wasn’t much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She loved him until the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.